The Picture below is of me shortly after arriving at the hospital… in labor. That was 17 months ago. Time flies, and at this very moment the baby girl that was in my tummy in this picture, is now running back and forth across the living room babbling to herself on a play phone! I think she has a bad connection, because she keeps yelling “hi!… hi?…hi!!?!” into the receiver 🙂
The day this picture was taken was the best day of my life, because it brought me my sweet smelling, pink bundle of love. But there is something else about that day that leaves me with a pit in my stomach.
My husband and I had hired a birth doula to help me through my labor. I lost my mom when I was 16, and when I married my husband I moved to Texas far away from all my relatives and friends. My desire for a doula was for all usual reasons, but also because I knew in that pivotal moment of my life – I would be missing an older female to guide me. It was important to me that I have a “mother figure” with me when I got scared, or when the pain became too much for me. But, the doula that we hired to be there, took our money…and never came.
You may wonder if we did our research? We did. We interviewed several different doulas, we took notes, we made sure they were in good standing with DONA the most notable doula association, an agency that oversees doulas and certifies them, we even picked a doula that had been voted the best in our area by readers of local magazine. And we asked questions…lot’s of them. In the end they all seemed great, but I felt most drawn to the older woman, I was looking for a stand in for my own mom after all. The doula was on her way to becoming a midwife, and was a trainer to new doulas in our area. She seemed like a great choice, she seemed motherly. We paid her, and she agreed to keep the two weeks surrounding our due date free.
When I went into labor we called her right away. She advised us to go get something to eat, and to rest up. Productive labor she said, was still far away. My water broke a short while later in the cosmetic aisle in Walgreens … so we knew our baby was on it’s way! We called the doula again, she suggested we continue stay at home as long as we could. But she kept giving us reasons she shouldn’t come to our house, help me with the labor. We were both excited and scared, and went along with what she said. We stayed home despite the fact that I had meconium in my amniotic fluid. She advised us to not call our doctor, since he would likely say to come to the hospital, but she advised us that wasn’t necessary. But as the evening got later my husband and I both felt uncomfortable following that advice, and went to the hospital anyway. She explained that she didn’t need to meet us there yet, becuase “we would have so much paper work” to fill out first. And when we called her after I was given a room – she felt it would be better for her to “nap, and then wake up later and have lot’s of coffee.” She said she would call us in a little while, and let us know she was on the way. I was in full labor, and being given pitocin to increase the strength of my contractions all night. She never called. And she never came. I was in labor through the night, and in the morning it was finally decided I needed a C-section ASAP. My husband called the doula, and told her she had missed my labor.
After getting home from the hospital days later, my husband called the doula to see what happened. She had no explanation for why she never showed up, but did offer him a refund of the money she had taken from us. Months went by…no money. We e-mailed her, and could see she opened our e-mail, but she would not reply. Michael tried, I tried, at first saying perhaps she had misplaced our address, and later asking her why she was not responding. Eventually she e-mailed me, and acted like she didn’t know why we were asking for a refund! It was infuriating. We had a new baby at home and no time for her games. But eventually we saw we had been lied to a second time. She had no intention of following through. So we contacted DONA. I submitted a formal complaint, waited for them to get in touch with her, get her side, and then interview us both on the phone. After months of waiting, I received paper work from DONA letting me know they had found her at fault. And recommending she refund our money, and write us a letter of apology, along with other requirements. She never did. And when I let DONA know she hadn’t followed through on any of those requirments, they told me they were just “suggestions” and they could not make her do them, and that they would not be revoking her “good standing” with DONA! So if another person researches her, just like we did – they will never know her history. It remains hidden, and she can continue to do this.
My husband is a wise man, and he has often suggested that we try to forgive and forget what happened. That she was wrong, but we only posion ourselves by continuing to feel hurt by it. I understand his point of view. But I often wonder if we should continue to persue the matter for the sake of other expectant parents who may hire this woman, and never know her history. I also wonder if letting her win, will only serve to show her that being a rotten person pays. That it’s ok for her to promise to be there for someone in a pivotal life moment, and take their money…but not respect that agreement enough to follow through. Or at the very least, to apologize if something came up, and refund their money. Not to mention her advice to stay at home when she knew we had meconium in the amniotic fluid. That could have caused our daughter to have long term health problems had it gotten in her lungs. Which thank God it did not.
Readers, this is the abbreviated story. There are plenty of other details that eat away at me. And I feel like I need to make a decision about this – should I contact small claims court? Write the Attorney general? Or do I just walk away? I’d like to have some closure on the whole thing, but I don’t know if I’ll get it by being the “bigger person” or by standing up for myself.
About Shannon SchmidShannon traded in her sensible NYC TV producer shoes (they were best for taking the subway), for a pair of Texas Cowboy boots when she married her best friend! He's at fault for making this Yankee a Texan! Shannon writes about all things that make a house a home. Her chief blogging inspiration is being the proud & slightly neurotic mom of a preschool age daughter.
You can find Shannon on Facebook, Pinterest, Instagram and her new favorite place to hang out, Google+.
Hey Cuz,
Well I'm really sorry that Molly's big day was discolored with mistrust and deceit. Another one of the blogs that I love to read just posted her 'birth plan' for her little one to come and it includes a doula, so I sent her a link to this page so she can read and if nothing else learn your lesson beforehand.
I'm appalled that she would discourage you from going to the hospital and discourage you from calling your doctor. I'm super super proud that you as parents-to-be chose to stick with your guts and go without her and could unite as a force for the good of Molly and eachother. That is the true growth and positive. Before Molly was even breathing air she had Team Schmid fighting for her and resisting the world's adversities.
I think taking her to small claims court is about money, and I think its not the money that upset you about the story its the mistrust and the lack of a repercussion from the DONA (?) people that they continue to keep her in 'good standing' to hurt someone else who may not have "team schmid" on hand to help out.
I dunno the answer but I do know that forgiveness will help lead you towards the answer.
Hugs lady.
Forgive and forget doesn't have to come as a package deal…I don't think that I could forgive but I might be able to forget. After 17 months you have to ask yourself – is this really worth the hassle?? If your little girl was still only 6-months old (at the oldest) then I could see contacting a lawyer and making her pay – giving her a bad name in the process – but I don't even know if a lawyer would try at this point. The fact that DONA won't revoke her fabulous standing would make me more angry than loosing my money. I'm not sure how much you paid her…but I'm sure you'd be paying it all to a lawyer at this point. At least you know for the future. When the hubs and I had our little girl I didn't want ANYONE else in that room with me…women have been giving birth since the beginning of time – I think I can handle myself. I had hubs there and he is all I needed.
Sometimes, just "getting your day in court" so to speak has nothing to do with win or lose.
You are right, it is about closure.
Long story short, when my father drown last year we inquired about his jewlery, which we knew he never removed.
We were told for months that he never came in to the medical examiners office with it.
We searched and searched and found it so upsetting that we could not find it.
Only to find out, after the autopsy report showed up, that he did indeed have it on his person and it was lost.
I spent a long time back and forth with all kinds of people but it wasnt until I spoke with the Med. Examiner herself and told her EXACTLY how it made me feel for them to treat the deceased in this manner, did I find closure.
Sure, I could file paperwork and ask for money. It was never about the monetary value, but I wanted them to hear from my lips the pain they had caused my family all those months.
I think you should do what will bring you the most peace and the quickest closure so that you can heal from the pain she has caused by her abandonment.
It will come to you when the time is right. In the meantime, enjoy that baby. She is beautiful!
I'm so sorry that you had to go through that! I seriously felt angry and upset while reading this post.
I agree with the previous Triplets Plus Two Momma when she says this "I think you should do what will bring you the most peace and the quickest closure so that you can heal from the pain she has caused by her abandonment.
It will come to you when the time is right."
I think this is one of those situations where you really are the only one who knows what is right or wrong in this particular instance. Good luck with whatever you choose to do.
Oh, and I also wanted to mention that I love that picture of you and your daughter after she is born, it's so pretty! 🙂
Holy typos, batman! Sorry about all those in my previous comment, it's late and I'm exhausted lol!
Hi Shannon!
I experienced a similar thing like yours Here in Malaysia, we hired confinement lady (CL) instead of what you call doula at your side. A CL here basically cares, cook and clean for the new mum and baby for 1 month.
There's no such thing as an association for CL here, so you pretty much look for one by word of mouth.
I found mine when I was 4 mth pregnant and paid the deposit of $500. 2 weeks before I was due, my CL went on a holiday and broke her leg. I cried like a pig when I realised we were left without a CL at this late stage.
In the end, hubby and I decided to do our own DIY confinement. You know, I was very angry at the CL for not being responsible (to go on holiday 2 weeks before my due date and not being careful) but when I looked back, maybe its God's way of telling us to let go and depend on Him.
Despite all your planning and preparations, God knows us better so I'm glad now cos our bond with baby is much stronger since we cared for baby ourselves!
You can read about my DIY confinement experience at:
http://imafulltimemummy.blogspot.com/2009/08/my-thoughts-on-confinement-its.html
I do not know much about doula's but I am a RN and I know that is a RN ever did this to a patient he/she would be in serious trouble. She not only put your life at risk but also your babies. I feel that you need to keep perusing this. You said that doula's are certified, I think that you need to take this to the certification board so that they can do a form investigation b/c I'll bet that you are not the first people that she did this too.
You might also want to go to the better business assoc. in your area b/c she promised a service and never followed through. That is just bad business.
First let me say your little one is adorable!
I can totally understand how you are feeling. I agree, it is a tough choice on what to do now. With a baby at home, you have things you would rather be doing than taking legal action against this person. She already took some of the joy out of your birth, why let her take anymore of your time?
However, I also agree that you need to let others know about this so that it doesn't happen to anyone else. The first step is to talk about it. Tell everyone you know in your community. Friends, teachers, other parents. Word of mouth can really make a difference.
Perhaps you can send a registered letter to the association so that it is on file and you have a record of it getting there. It seems more official. And I agree with Jen, maybe you can report it to the better business bureau in your area? Also, leave messages on forums that talk about Doulas, or where you can find them specific to your area. Perhaps if you start posting things, the association will change its tune due to bad publicity.
I am sorry you experienced this.
I imagine probably part of what is unresolved in you is not a need for vengeance or anything like that but a genuine concern that this woman could cause even greater harm to someone else.
I agree with Jen and Jenn. In the same position, I would go after her certification and I would report not only her, but DONA, to the better business bureau. They are telling you they found her at fault but they're essentially not going to do anything about it?! DONA needs to be held accountable, too. They are just as much at fault, if not more so. As it stands now, there is only one real way for a woman to learn who is good and reliable – and who is not – through experience. With something like this, the overseeing organization needs to provide reliable ratings, I would think.
That being said, horrible doula would continue to interfere in your life if this winds up taking too much time away from Miss Molly. So maybe file what you need to give you peace that you have taken the action that you can to prevent this from happening again. And know getting the word out like you are now is a good part of it 🙂
I imagine knowing that you have put it out there and done what you can to prevent this from happening to someone else, then you will feel some closure. Then reassess to make sure that you're not holding a residual grievance against yourself or your own judgment. You did everything right and Molly is beautiful and healthy as are you 🙂 Hiring a doula was all out of love and it's really sad that the woman was such a disappointment, but the most important thing is that you're all safe and happy and healthy and have abundant love.
Love you!
Hmmmm….forgiving someone doesn't necessarily mean that you should just throw your hands up and count it as loss, in my opinion.
I think Jen may be on to something by mentioning the Better Business Bureau. If you get her name out there then you may save someone else from have a bad experience too.
I think the key to forgiveness is not allowing bitterness to build in your heart. Pray about it and ask God not allow bitterness in your life. I think it's ok to be upset about an upsetting situation. Just don't dwell on it.
Hope that helps 🙂
Erin
I don't know what a doula is (beyond what you've said here) and I don't know what regulations there might be where you live. But in general terms…. if something affects just me, I tend not to put the effort into pursuing it, finding that I feel calmer and happier once I can just move on. But when there's a risk of other people falling into the same problem, I tend to feel more of a moral obligation to "do something". If there is someone you can report her to, and report DONA, then I would do it. And then, perhaps, you can start to forget. Good luck.
Normally I am a forget kinda girl, but this doula is dangerous. Not only did she not show up, but she gave you very poor advice during a time you were looking to her as an expert. She is preying on unsuspecting families and lives are at stake.
Are there criminal charges you can bring? Malpractice? I think this goes way beyond the money.
Dearest Sweet Shannon,
Reading your blog left me with a lump in my throat as I choked back tears for all that you went through. Bringing your precious Molly into the world was bad enough without your mom to be there, you certainly didn't need or deserve the added sting of lies and deceit. I wish I had still been living in Dallas when you were having Molly, I would have gladly stood by your side to help you through it as you are aware (I think) that I did for my own daughter for her 1st two children.
Yes, your wonderful husband is quite wise and his encouragement on this matter does indeed make sense. Not necessarily for the woman who betrayed you all but for your own peace of mind and well being. I suppose it really doesn't matter how others choose to live their lives (whether they be honest and honorable/ or deceitful and disloyal) What honestly matters the most is how you live your life, and you my dear Shannon can hold your head high due to your strength, your honesty, your ability to take the moral high ground; not only for yourself, but also for your husband and as an example for precious Molly.
Going to court and attempting to press charges, if there are any in the books that would equate to what was done to you, would only cost you guys more money with a possibility of a negative outcome. Even if you were to win, I don't think it could truly heal your heart (which is where the true healing belongs) and it still would not replace the experience that one day Molly will want to hear about.
It is sad that DONA didn't remove her from the good standing listing; which you would think that they would have. If DONA is registered with the BBB you might be able to reach other soon to be mothers by posting a complaint there. At least that way you have the comfort in knowing that you attempted to spare others what you & Michael went through.
Sending you my love wrapped in a hug….
I am so sorry about your story but I LOVE that picture! You guys look so beautiful – all three of my Mommy with the baby shots I did not look so good!
🙂
Holly
Wow, I am so sorry that happened to you. I am the same way ya know. I tend to hold onto stuff. I think your hubby is right on this one (as mine is often), it may be time to let it go. Wishing you all the best.
It is real beauty when you can look that good and be in labor…
i have never been a big enough person to forgive and forget… i just don't know how you do that… i completely understand that it is good for your soul but… maybe i need to come back and read the comments from your other readers 🙂
Honestly, Shannon, I don't think you should let this go. She put you and your daughter's LIVES in danger and stole from you.
Contact the Better Business Bureau and the attorney general and file a lawsuit in small claims court. You haven't let this go after all this time for a reason.
What a horrible, horrible person this woman is.
First of all, it should be ILLEGAL for someone to look that beautiful while having a baby. Absolutely illegal!
Second, I JUST did a post on forgiveness! http://sickofmg.blogspot.com/2010/01/carrying-grudge.html
Third, just because you forgive does NOT mean that this woman should not be held accountable for what she has done. Definitely file a complaint with the BBB, and I would file complaints with the AMA (American Medical Association) if you can. I don't know if doula's have any kind of medical degree or training; if they DO, wherever she got it from you should contact them and file a complaint.
If it is a substantial amount of money, I would take her to court. If it is not, you will probably lose more than you get back due to all the legal costs.
When I was in the hospital and 2 neurologists from the U of M, Andrea Bozoki and Ming Hong, told me I was fat and crazy and if I just accepted that I would get better. They sent me home to die. I was later diagnosed with MuSK+ myasthenia gravis, a progressive neuromuscluar disorder for which there is no cure.
I went after their medical licenses. I did not want a penny from them; I wanted them to never be able to do this to another human being as long as they lived. Nothing happened, which I guess didn't surprise me, because the medical community closed ranks.
I am so sorry that this woman did that to you. Remember that forgiving HER does not make anything she did okay. It just takes away her power to continue to hurt her. Don't let her win by allowing her to color the memory of the most beautiful day of your life.
Oh Shannon…
I am so sorry you have to go through this.
I too had a doula at my birth, my best friend, also certified by DONA and I know that this would infuriate her knowing that there are people out there pulling this type of stuff. I assure you, this lady is in the minority and definitely gives good doulas a bad rep.
Having said that, I totally agree that just because you forgive doesn't mean you have to forget. And I also feel she should be held accountable for her irresponsibility as well. Did you keep all of the email correspondence exchanged with her? I would contact BBB…that's a start.
Really, though, at 17 months into it, you really, more than anything, need peace for your heart. And only a lot of prayer for God to give you that will bring it. Sometimes (all the time actually) we have to be confident that the good, the bad and the indifferent are all under his control and providential hands. It's hard, but often times that is the ONLY thing that will ease our spirit.
I'll be praying for you.
Blessings friend,
Kelli @ SustainingCreativity
Wow. I find it interesting that everyone that has posted here is ready to cruficy this doula whenthey have only heard one side of the story.
Kind of not very fair, at the very least. I would wonder, if this doula has been a doula for a very long time and you researched carefully and found nothing dispraging against her that perhaps whatever happend here was isolated, no one is perfect you know, docotrs make mistakes, you make mistakes, but to just simply decide that this woman no longer deserves to practice as a doula because of one incident in wich only one side of the story was given is kind of a mob mentality IMO.
Even with a day in court everyone gets to hear both sides.
Well Shelly P, I can't send you a response directly since you have made your post anonymously with your name attached to no profile.
So I will say this, if you read the post you will see that we did extensive research. However even if a Doula does not show up for a birth and then takes the money and runs- it does not mean they cannot hide that fact from perspective new parents interviewing them. That is in fact the reason I worry about letting the incident go. There would then CONTINUE to be no record of her doing this.And parents in our same situation would continue to have no way to check if a doula had behaved this way.
Secondly, of course no one is perfect. I'm not. No one is. I didn't see anyone faulting the doula for not achieving perfection. But there is a big difference between "imperfect" and never showing up, and then taking peoples money. Never mind the most obvious thing most people do when they make a mistake…apologize. To be honest if she had just done that in the beginning she could have avoided the entire affair. We would have forgiven her, and moved on. She chose not to do that – even when DONA told her to she should do so in writing. That was her choice.
As for her side of the story- she told it when DONA interviewed her about misconduct. They concluded, and I quote "We feel there is legitimate proof that that the doula stepped outside of her scope as a DONA doula…we have decided on the following sanctions" Those sanctions went on to stipulate a letter of apology, refunding the money she took from us, along with an essay on ethical conduct to Dona and a period of certification removal.
I'm not sure what makes it mob rule, when a majority of people think stealing is wrong. Or that not apologizing when you do something, is wrong. That putting possible health complications of a newborn before your own desire to go to bed- is wrong.
But regardless of how you personally feel about moral responsibility – the blog isn't about that. It was about me trying to find peace, after an unfortunate, scary situation. And the comments were to me, in my trying to find peace and decide what the right course of action is next.
And one thing I did – was to send the link to this blog to the doula in question. To give her a chance to know how what she did effected my family. But I think you may already know that reader. Perhaps because that's how you found this blog?
Can I just say….OH SNAP!
My question would be is it possible this happened to others and DONA continued to let her be in good standing? Also "Shelly," the doula could have made this right and chose not to. Her "defense" could have been maybe she wasn't feeling well or whatever but regardless telling these parents to not go to the hospital when they were in a potentially dangerous situation is CRIMINAL. Most people know from the course of everyday life that meconium is NOT AN OK THING. This whole thing was a series of wrongs and disservices done to Shannon and Michael, including DONA leaving her in good standing so she can potentially harm another mother and a baby is also negligent. Contact the BBB and your attorney general and complain about her and DONA and then file a small claims case. You will not need a lawyer for that and the whole thing seems pretty cut and dry. I would do this ASAP before its too late.
And yes, "Shelly," even doctors make mistakes but the difference here is they are held accountable for them, had a doctor told her not to go in with meconium present and God forbid, something happened to Molly, a doctor would be in SERIOUS deep water here. So Shelly, what is the doulas side? There is no way you. . ., I mean she, has a defense to ALL the wrongs here. Why hide when contact was trying to be made and if you hope DONA to try to stand by you if you need them and give you referrals, you need to stand by them and uphold what they found needed to happen, Shelly.
Shannon, please do the things I suggested, not only for your own peace, but other people's money and babies' lives are truly in jeopardy here.
I don't think it's a question of "forgiving." The real issue is that she could do it again, and needs to be shown in whatever legal way that is the most expedient to you that "crime does not pay." If someone robbed your house would you "forgive" them and just let them continue their behavior? Your baby is alot more important than things in your house, and I think your instincts are right.
The issue isn't whether you can "forgive"- I'm confident you can. The issue is that she might do something again, and needs to be shown in whatever legal way that is most expedient to you, that crime doesn't pay.If someone robbed your house would you just "forgive" and forget? Your child is more important than the things in your house. I feel your instincts are right.
Again, it's not about "closure" so much as keeping irresponsibility in check.