After my daughter was born I lost a part of myself that I had previously taken for granted.
Before becoming a mom, I remember being in college and then in my 20’s working – and at night I would put on the news. I liked staying informed. I wanted to understand the world and know what was going right, and what was going wrong.
I watched those news broadcasts with an intellectual distance. I analyzed them, I shook my head or sighed in frustration – but when the news broadcast ended I moved on to other things. Doing the dishes or ironing clothes for work the next day.
Then I became a mother. And my ability to watch a news story or read an article without personal ramifications ended abruptly. I can only explain the feeling by saying that in retrospect it seems like pre-motherhood I was wearing a protective coating all around my heart. And that giving birth to my daughter caused that protective sheath to permanently rip off, leaving my heart raw with vulnerability.
The hardest for me to watch now, are the stories that involve children. I hear the story, and see my daughter. And the rest of the day, I want to cry for that family, for that child – and the loss feels inappropriately personal. I can no longer put up the emotional dividers so easily. Sometimes I feel like I can’t put them up at all.
This past week has brought this phenomenon into particular focus for me because there have been several news stories about child abuse, neglect, and death in the national news. My Facebook feed has surprised me by auto playing videos that well meaning friends have shared showing children and animals being hurt my adults – in order to help identify the perpetrators. And unprepared to see such upsetting images – I feel haunted by them for weeks afterward. I see footage of war in other countries, and I catch the face of an injured child and I feel frustrated by my inability to help or rescue the children I’m seeing.
I wonder how other parents deal with this problem. Do you try to watch news stories less? Do you help where you can, and try not to focus on the children you cant help? Do you eventually build up your emotional toughness as your children grow?
On one hand, I believe the way I experience these sad stories now is more honest. They are sad, they are horrifying – and it makes sense that it makes my heart hurt. It should! On the other hand, the majority of these situations are beyond my ability to help or to change, and so I wonder if I do my own family a disservice by letting my emotions become so involved in someone else’s tragedy?
I’d love to hear from others how they keep a healthy balance between being aware of whats happening in the world, and yet protect their own hearts from becoming too dragged down in the sad stories of the day?
Advice friends?
About Shannon SchmidShannon traded in her sensible NYC TV producer shoes (they were best for taking the subway), for a pair of Texas Cowboy boots when she married her best friend! He's at fault for making this Yankee a Texan! Shannon writes about all things that make a house a home. Her chief blogging inspiration is being the proud & slightly neurotic mom of a preschool age daughter.
You can find Shannon on Facebook, Pinterest, Instagram and her new favorite place to hang out, Google+.
Gosh. I wish I knew any suggestion other than to turn it off. I feel the exact same way, like there are a few especially ‘hot’ spots in my heart that if I see something related to those that I mentally try to avoid them but the plague my soul until I read and then they weigh heavy on my heart.
I know you helped me a few months back when a local child passed away and while I’d never met them or the family the frankness and honesty of the mother’s blog really hit home way more then my heart could handle, and I’d find myself bursting into tears readily.
I really do not know how to be a fully informed citizen as I do actively avoid many of these sadnesses as it does make me feel sad more than I prefer. I feel like that’s probably not productive to my community, but its a necessary for me to not keep these negative swirls of thought near me, as it allows me to be a better parent,wife,daughter,and practitioner. 🙁
no answer but I TOTALLY feel ya.
D
I don’t watch the news. I see it on my newsfeed on Fb andI probably am going to nix that. Twitter is easier, because I can click on what I know I can handle reading. You can turn auto play for videos off on FB. I had to unfollow those that shared too many disturbing pictures. Couldn’t handle it. (Not unfriend them, but unfollow so their posts don’t pop up in my newsfeed). You have a great big heart and that is so awesome! It is a gift and even though bad thiga hurt more, you are able to be so much more passionate and that’s a great thing! I would just limit the bad stuff, it can suck you in and zap all the energy out of you. Rainbows and butterflies! 🙂
I don’t watch local or tv news. I stay informed through radio and online news articles. I think that being inundated with images of tragedy and human suffering may be honest but I think it is also unnecessary, depressing, and unhealthy for sensitive people. I don’t think you are doing your family a disservice by feeling for people, compassion and empathy are priceless lessons missing from a lot of people’s education in these times. You are also not helpless to ease suffering, the magnitude of what you are watching is weighing you down with to much tragedy day after day. There will always be monsters and wars and accidents and useless tragedy but there are also lists online everywhere of how you can help. Our own family picks different things to do every year from sending thank you packages to law enforcement to prenatal vitamins to countries that have a hard time accessing such simple things. We knit scarves for families seeking refuge in shelters and donate food to our local food bank. You are not helpless or hopeless you’re compassionate maybe you can show your kids how to filter the barrage of tragedy in your home and how compassion can become change.
I’m not a parent, but I have two nephews that I would die to protect. I’d love to be able to shelter them from the vast amount of evil in the world today. And when they’re exposed to that evil, I want nothing more than to be able to explain it in a way that they’d truly understand. I want to be able to reassure them that nothing like that could possibly happen to them. But it can. I know that, and sadly I think they know that, too.
There is evil in the world, and it can consume me in a thirty second news promo. People DO walk into schools with guns and some DO start shooting. Some parents DO commit unspeakable atrocities against their children and sometimes those children DO die. And there’s no way to explain those situations to anybody – let alone a child. Sometimes, just acknowledging that helps me. And then I have to flip everything and acknowledge the good that surrounds us. Where there is evil, joy and beauty is just as abundant: The military parents who volunteered to stand guard at their children’s school after the Sandy Hook shootings, just to give the kids a sense of security. The town in California that essentially stopped functioning for a day so a sick little boy could have his wish of being a Superhero. I could go on, but I’ll stop before I end up sounding like a Hallmark card.
🙂
I agree with all of these comments. What you are experiencing is normal so don’t feel like you are alone. However, when it comes to a point that you stop functioning in your day to day life is when you have a problem. Seeing images like this can develop into a form of PTSD – Post Traumatic Stress Disorder or depression. Talking through it with supportive individuals can help. Having a creative outlet also helps. Accepting the reality of life but not attaching who you are as a person to it. The other small but important thing to do is just pray.
It sounds weird, but becoming a mother has made me toughen up quite a bit. I used to be much more tender-hearted, but now I’m much more Mama Bear and have a steel exterior. 😉 Okay, not really, but hopefully it sort of makes sense!
I distance myself emotionally from pretty much all of the news. I stick to my passions and such (which for me would be VBAC birth, massage therapy, homeschooling, etc), and save my energy for pursuing tasks related to things that happen within those topics…but still focus on MY family first.
We do many things to show my kids compassion for others and are quick to act in acute times of need, but I try to focus on our own situation and ignore the news.
Reading this makes me feel better, because I feel the SAME exact way! “Haunted” and “dragged down” are words I would also use to describe the emotional drain I feel from stories like this. I never (ever) watch the news, I try not to click on anything bad, I tell my husband not to tell me sad stories, and I unfollow people (or threads) with sad stories involving kids. I just…can’t take it! I don’t see what the benefit is to knowing about these horrible things.
I never felt this way before having kids, either.