This past weekend was my daughter’s 3rd birthday. She was a baby. Then she became a toddler…and this weekend I regretfully gave that title up. I acknowledged she is a little girl. It was bittersweet. I was missing my baby so badly – and yet my heart was so full of love for this little girl that seemed to have suddenly appeared before me.
I have one child. Many pregnancies. many names. Many hopes. But one little embryo took. She stayed with us for over 9 months. She caused my water to break in a Walgreen’s… in the hair dye aisle. Yeah, seriously. She had me labor for a day before all my crunchy dreams of her being delivered to folk music vanished in a C-section. A C-section that brought me a tiny wrinkled baby – that I asked my husband if he was sure she was actually ours? I said she looked like a little Russian baby:)
Many weeks of grey postpartum, where I failed to return anyone’s calls went by. I would cry at night as the sun went down, so scared this baby would cry all night – and I would prove again to be a failure as a mom. I made calls to my childhood phone number indulging my own fantasy that my mother who had died many years before- might this time pick up the phone. She would surely tell me why this baby was crying. She would tell me what I needed to know. And each time I heard the recording that this line was disconnected – I would look at this teeny face and wonder…how can I be your only hope? I am so sad for you baby…I’m not a good mom.
3 years later. I stand watching my independent warrior princess dance to music no one else can hear during her party. She tumbles when she wants…and sometimes just does makeshift ballet. She is real. She is every hope I ever had come to be. She is every fantasy I ever had of what my life might hold. She pulls my heart into a smile so big it hurts.
And while I will always treasure her tiny infant movements, and mewling soft sounds – I realize that each day I get to see her live is such a gift. She renews my faith in a generation of children that I don’t know yet. But she is one of them…and thus I trust that they have wisdom and love this planet has not seen yet. She is a tiny body that lives to give love to animals and babies, and everyone she meets. She is the definition of innocence. Of pure love.
I don’t know what God holds for me. But from past experience I doubt it holds another pregnancy. And rather than sadness…I realize now I have only joy. I was given a beautiful baby girl. Who delights me, and swells my heart with love every single day. Really. Every one. What more can I ask for?
I was given a pink bundle of love and kisses, and snuggles- and infinite possibility. That is so much more than I knew existed. So much more than I deserved. So much beauty- it makes me weak. And I just celebrate her. I celebrate that gift- that loan. And I say thank you God. For more… more everything than I knew I could be given. I know I am a good mom now. I know because I love her. And I realize now we are both on an imperfect journey. Two souls united on this road. I know I will never not give her anything I can. Any love, any ounce of life in my body. And I know now- I’m not her only hope. She has God. And when I fail he will carry her through. And if I give her that knowledge…I’ve given her enough:)
Amen.
About Shannon SchmidShannon traded in her sensible NYC TV producer shoes (they were best for taking the subway), for a pair of Texas Cowboy boots when she married her best friend! He's at fault for making this Yankee a Texan! Shannon writes about all things that make a house a home. Her chief blogging inspiration is being the proud & slightly neurotic mom of a preschool age daughter.
You can find Shannon on Facebook, Pinterest, Instagram and her new favorite place to hang out, Google+.
well said, you are a great Mom and have a wonderful “gift” to nuture, love and teach. love Rosie
if you only knew then what an awesome mom you would become… she’s so very lucky to have you by her side.
Shan that was beautiful:) You are an amazing mom. and now I need a tissue:)
ps When I think about having a baby one day I think about how in the world am I ever going to be as good of a mom as Shan?? 🙂
That is awesome! My daughter is 5 and I bought her school clothes today and it totally freaked me out! A lot of what you just said hit home big time!
Thanks for your post, it made me warm to think about my daughter as I read it!
Tawna
Health Coach
FitAfterBabies.com
What an amazing gift from God!
Awwww. You cute!
Beautifully written and reflective. You are (and always were) a great mom, even before you became a mom, because you had the honest, sincere, hopeful pure love for who or what may be and when that aligns with God’s plan,, its all joy..
joy ever after 🙂
love you cuz
D
That is so touching and beautifully written. I know from watching you with her each day that there is not likely a better, more loving mother anywhere. That “pink bundle of love and kisses, and snuggles” is so very lucky to have you, and so am I. *hugs*
Oh this is such a heartfelt, tug at any mom’s heart kind of post! You are an amazing mom and just like you, she is truly blessed! “She has God. And when I fail he will carry her through. And if I give her that knowledge…I’ve given her enough” This is by far the best thing any mom can give their child. We give them our all, and when we can’t, that is where God steps in to guide them along their journey! ~Hugs
This is so sweet and such a good reminder of how precious our kids are. You are blessed and so is your daughter!
This is just so beautiful, Shan. Another wonderfully written, heartfelt post. And I agree with everyone else who has stated that you are a terrific Mom. And you have been since before she was born – you have always been a nurturing and loving person. There was never a doubt in my mind or heart that you would be a wonderful mom. Molly is such a lucky little girl! My only wish is that every child could be lucky enough to have a Mommy like you. This world – and the future world – would be a much MUCH better place. Love you.
Awwwww! I now got tears rolling down my cheeks. Thank you for such beautiful post. My daughter too just turned 3 in May and I totally feel you.
I got chocked up reading your post part way.
They grow up way too fast. I barely remember my own 3 1/2 year old little girl being that small innocent baby that depended on me for everything.
Yours is beautiful, by the way.
stopping by from the Mom Loop
What a beautiful little girl, a beautifully written post, and a very lucky Mama!
This brought me to the verge of tears! My daughter just turned two, and I share so many of the same emotions! Especially the scared feeling at the beginning wondering if I was going to ever know what to do to make her happy.
It’s amazing to me how I have discovered through blogging that so many of us mothers feel exactly the same way. We feel so alone in our feelings, our fright, our concerns. But there are a whole world of other moms out there feeling exactly the same thing.
Stopping by from the Mom Loop Friday follow. I’m your 999 follower!